I think that most of us have experienced some form of bullying in our lives, whether it was being bullied or being the bully. When you are a parent, I think you hope that your child will never be bullied or be the bully. My husband believes that when you are a boy, at some point in your life you will be either bullied or be the bully, that it is inevitable. There is much talk in the news about the ways that kids are being bullied today, on the internet, through email, texting, identity impersonation. There is also just plain old fashioned bullying going on through face to face, hand to hand, verbal and physical harrasement. So what is the definition of bullying and how do you recognize it…
Bullying is repeated acts over time that involves a real or perceived imbalance of power with the more powerful child or group attacking those who are less powerful. (U.S. Dept. of Justice, Fact Sheet #FS-200127) Bullying can be verbal harassment, physical assault, or other more subtle methods of coercion such as manipulation. Bullying can be defined in many different ways. Although the UK currently has no legal definition of bullying, some US states have laws against it. Bullying is usually done to coerce others by fear or threat.
In colloquial speech, bullying often describes a form of harassment perpetrated by an abuser who possesses more physical and/or social power and dominance than the victim. The victim of bullying is sometimes referred to as a target. The harassment can be verbal, physical and/or emotional. Sometimes bullies will pick on people bigger or smaller than their size. Bullies hurt people verbally and physically. Source: Wikipedia
Schools have policies about bullying, schoolboards have policies about bullying, workplaces have policies about it, bullies still propser and yet there is a general revulsion associated with “bullies”. They exist everywhere, and sometimes a normal, regular person can be transformed into a bully given the right/wrong set of circumstances. There is a distinction between a mean incident, a fight, a situation getting out of control versus bullying. Bullying is generally a situation where there is a persistent imbalance of power, when someone either elevates themselves above others or others accord them that status, status that they continue to hold by ensuring others are controlled through fear, shame, exclusion, violence, threats of violence. Bullies often surround themselves with others that they have bullied who then seek the safety of the group and will do the bully’s bidding, This can often lead to the bully avoiding punishment or detection and the followers taking the fall. The reality is that often we all know who the bullies are – sort of like the purple elephant in the room – and for a variety of reasons they are allowed to continue to victimize others. They are often given more chances, more leeway than the kids that have been targeted —those kids have already been hurt, then they can be exposed as tattle tales, and further victimized. Bullying can significantly impact how a child sees themselves and their place in the world for life. The cycle can often lead to tragic outcomes, something all of us should strive to avoid. Bullies need to be exposed for what they are – tryants who for whatever reason believe that they have or should have the right to control others, set the rules, decide who can play with whom, who should say what to whom, who gets to be liked, popular, etc. There is always going to be social stratification, it is human nature to look for leaders and for some to be followers. Let us never confuse valid and legitimate leadership with bullying. A leader is a person who inspires people to follow them, bullies control followers.
I don’t know the answer to bullying, what I have told my kids is that they are allowed to defend themselves, that they can’t start the fight but they can finish it, that bullies and bullying is unacceptable, that walking away takes a bully’s power away and to know that they have every right to be, do and say what they think. I have tried to instil in them that respect for others and others’ differences is part of sharing the responsibilities of this society that we live in and that we must all strive to protect that. Bullies need to learn that we all have the right to go about our days without fear, without having others make us feel bad and we need to not let bullies take power. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I have always liked that thought but I also know that repeated and consistent harassement can make you doubt yourself and negate your ability to control your consent. We need to teach our kids how to never give away their consent.
What do you think about bullies and bullying and have you had to deal with it? if so how?
There are many resources available to parents on bullying, how to talk to your kids about it, what to do if you know or think that your child is being bullied…here is a sample of some resources:
www.yrdsb.edu.on.ca/page.cfm?id=IIC000005
http://www.kidsareworthit.com/
http://www.lfcc.on.ca/bully.htm
My personal opinion is that as sad as this may be much of our lives is spent in a pre-programmed and predictable fashion and very few of us have the time and/or courage to develop any level of self awareness. It is almost like we are set on a train track at an early age and trains are not known to easily change direction unless the track itself turns. For any hope of change the first step albeit a difficult one is developing self awareness.
It surprises me that to take a close example my Dad who was universally revered by the many people who worked for him, did not seem to have an iota of self awareness and was totally incapable of any level of self-criticism. This did not make him a bad person and through hard work alone he was able to navigate through life which was initially spiked with challenges that today we can’t even fathom.
Self awareness is not the same as self-criticism. I think that self awareness is important and without it it is very hard to change or improve. Self-criticism is also good if it is balanced and does not become overwhelming. Too much self criticism is a sure way to depression and all the ‘fun’ that comes with it.
Without self awareness it is very difficult to formulate an accurate picture of others around us. I think most people myself included hoped that by now society and the people who live in it would reach a high level of sophistication where things like bullying are quickly identified and dealt with expeditiously.
It is hard to find any kind of organization be it a company, a school or School Board (not to mention broader organizations) that does not have a book full of fancy statements, policies and procedures. Some of these statements even masquerade as artwork proudly displayed on walls.
Sadly individual and societal evolution is a slow process and although there are ways to speed it up there seems to be a speed limit as well as a quantitative limit. In bank-speak this is called a maximum sustainable growth (rate) and although it is possible to exceed it it tends to be tricky. The challenge of exceeding this limit becomes exponentially more difficult until we find ourselves bumping up against some real limits of physique and/or mental ability.
For now, much of our daily existence is still stuck in ancient patterns and paradigms that should at least be challenged or changed altogether to more closely reflect current reality.
Bullying is one form of a collection of behaviours that seems to be inherent in many individuals and can even transcend entire societies (North Korea anyone…?:). Although the first thought that comes to mind on how to handle a bully is physical, I personally believe that the best tool to identify a bully and bring him/her down to where he/she belongs is our most powerful organ a.k.a. the brain.
To me it seems obvious that most bullies typically are not the sharpest tools in the toolbox, although when left unchallenged bullies do get more sophisticated and cunning in how they prey on their victims.
Come to think of if a wise bully is perhaps the perfect oxymoron. As with so many things in life just a bit of common sense is the most useful thing to deal with bullies. True, we often have the purple elephant in the room (and it often stays in the room for a long time – which is not good for the china cabinet) but if we actually ‘wake up’ and look for it an elephant is not that hard to notice, especially if it is purple….
These days there are many different ways to take down the elephant temporarily or permanently. I guess beyond the obvious that we must fight the bully the most interesting question is whether the bully can change and no longer be a bully.
I know many people will disagree with me, but I firmly believe that we are absolutely capable of changing ourselves. Yes, I have come out and said it, but I never said that change is easy. Usually change in a positive direction takes hard work and takes time, thought and courage as well as a healthy dose of (here it is again) self awareness. Hard, yes, worthwhile, absolutely. And sometimes we do need some guidance or at least a second opinion.
Can a bully change? Sometimes the answer is yes, and the process is called maturity. In many cases, especially if nothing is done the answer is no. However in this case (unless the bully is incapable of recognizing that what he is doing is wrong) we are also to blame for turning a blind eye.
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Leadership is another interesting topic, one which has kept me fascinated and occupied over the years. As opposed to bullies, leaders tend to be intelligent and smart. Some of the qualities of leaders can be learned or at least enhanced through self-improvement (almost said self-awareness again…) however at this point I would have to say that in my experience leaders are born and not ‘made’. True leaders are few and far between but that is not necessarily a bad thing. It would be rather comical to imagine a society where everyone is a leader. In fact for a healthy society you need many followers for every leader. It is important to note that there is no shame in being a follower.
I have read multi-hundred page books on what makes a good leader, but again there is very little magic and a whole lot of common sense that makes a good leader. To simplify, leaders observe, analyze and learn, they see as opposed to just look, they have empathy for those whom they lead, they absolutely lead by example (no shortcuts) and also they seem to have an inherent drive to move forward. And when they move others follow not because they have to but because they chose to as they have faith in their leader and they trust their leader’s ability to go in the right direction…
This is not to say that the leader’s compass always points to True North, but generally they seem to find the way even if they get sidetracked or make mistakes along the way. (Of course being smart they have long ago bought a GPS which does always point to True North, but being wise as well as smart they would probably still have a compass or gyroscope just in case the battery runs out or the satellites are shot down:)
I don’t think that this ‘essay’ is anywhere close to my best work, however it has been a long day and dealing with this issue takes a lot out of even healthy adults let alone children.
Thanks for taking the time to write so extensively in response to the bullying post…interestingly, research shows that bullies in fact are often very smart, intelligent kids. As to the question, can bullies change, I think that everyone can change given enough motivation. Unfortunately, it is often the victim that is counseled to change – change their habits, change where they go, always travel in pairs, or in some circumstances they change schools or the jobs to avoid the bully. This can further empower the bully and bullying behaviour and that is the sad part. I think to change bullying it has to become universally unacceptable in the environment that it is happening in, and everyone needs to support that. Everyone needs to agree on what bullying is and isn’t and to stop it in its tracks when it occurs. What is the necessary motivation to change behaviour – this week a girl in a Markham high school was removed from school in handcuffs due to a bullying incident…will that further inflame the situation or change it…
Re your thoughts on leadership – thanks – I do think though that leaders are not just born but can be made and there are influences and opportunities f everyday that help build the future leaders of tomorrow….kids model behaviour they are exposed to and believe what they are told about themselves by the key people in their lives…parents, teachers, coaches, tutors, extended family..
Thanks again for contributing your thoughts!
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